A very personal post…
I have been writing this blog on and off for three years, and I have been wondering lately if I should stop. Not because I don’t enjoy it, because I greatly do but I wonder if my focus on Israel is a bit detrimental. I will explain. I can’t emphasize how much I loved my time in Israel but now I am here, in Nowhere, Indiana. There is no one to speak Hebrew with, there is only mediocre falafel and most people couldn’t find Israel on a map. Even my grandma confuses Saudi Arabia and Israel, seriously.
I am not saying I am not passionate about it, but I have no intentions of making aliyah. I have always said I am not brave enough to do it alone, and since I have no family there, well you get the point.
So I feel like I am straddling two worlds. My brother-in-law, who keeps a wonderful blog about England and his love for it, he understands this. He really is an inspiration as he has managed to turn his passion into a full time career. But I haven’t been able to do that. It as if my heart is there but I am here, and I know I am not going back imminently but I can’t be fully invested here.
When I moved home from Israel nearly everything I owned fit into one suitcase, it is two years later and the same is true. I don’t buy curtains, you are welcome neighbors, because then I am somehow truly committed to my life here.
So what is a girl to do? Try to learn to love something else? Is that even possible? I have heard you can’t control who or what you love and you are not supposed to…but love affairs usually end badly.